Blue with a capital B

One test we've had every batch of students do here is the True Colors test. The general concept of the True Colors test is that each of us has a different balance of personality traits that are represented by colors. If you haven't taken it before, I'd definitely recommend it. I couldn't easily find an online test, but this article (http://lifetickler.com/orange-gold-green-blue-your-true-colors-yes-thats-you/) will at least go into more detail than I will here. Looking at some general trends, Oranges are spontaneous and energetic, Golds are detail-oriented and orderly, Greens are interested in the big picture as well as how stuff works, and Blues are the ones with their hearts on their sleeves. If you take this test, you should remember that you are a balance of these colors and not just the top answer. Then again, it's pretty common for one or two colors to be more prominent while there is one color that isn't as significant to a person. (I feel like I'm giving this topic a disservice, so if you aren't familiar, I would definitely encourage you to read deeper into the colors and significance of knowing your colors.)

Much like how your personality can change from one context to another, your True Colors can also fluctuate day-to-day or situation-to-situation. For those of you that know me in real life, you can take the safe bet by saying that Orange is my lowest scoring color, aka all-over-the-place energy, jumping into things without planning, etc. The other three colors have bounced around though, and I do feel like they ebb and flow based on where my mind is at. The staff takes this test every summer as we are training for new students, so my mind is definitely Gold (*especially* the summers when I've already been focused on planning out the cultural transition program for our international students). I do enjoy the nitty gritty from time to time and there are definitely places where my Gold is put to work here. (For example, sitting at the desk tonight and putting a month's worth of duty shifts onto a shared Outlook calendar so we don't need to carry a paper schedule around with us everywhere we go.)

My mind does shift to Green, although it's less focused on a particular time of year. (I do find it fitting that I have pretty regular Gold streaks when looking at a typical academic year.) The most recent example of my Green-ness is working with my Robotics team because I want to do more to establish our team, while also thinking about future student leaders and not giving them more to bite off than they can chew. Then there's Blue - the mediators, peacekeepers, and bleeding hearts. The ones who speak from their gut and expose their sincerity for the world to see.

Today has not been a good day to be a Blue.

Generally, I would say that I've made a split between how I act at work and how I act in my personal life. I don't want to give the impression that I'm a completely different person, but there are easily more times when I have to be nitty gritty about a work trip rather than planning out a personal trip. On the flip side, I want to treat my job as a job and treat the students as students, rather than letting my emotions get the best of me. There are days, however, when that balance can't fully be maintained. As I said before, today was rough. It wasn't all day, but there were moments when I felt irritable or frustrated or empty. Don't get me wrong - I understand that this feelings are natural and a proper part of the process I'm going through. I just wish I wasn't going through parts of the process while working the front desk.

Since Blues are notably more open in terms of their feelings, I do wonder about what the students pick up on. Maybe they could tell that I didn't want to have a lot happening right around my head. (To be fair, one of the reasons I kept the door to the front desk locked was to prevent people from running and screaming and then using the desk as a hideout for the Assassin game people were playing.) Maybe they saw me staring blankly at my laptop. I can't put my finger on it, but I wouldn't be surprised if they picked up on something. After I closed up, a co-worked messaged me and asked if everything was okay, since he could sense something was up from an email I sent. We chatted briefly and it was nice to feel that support.

You know, now that I have this written down, part of me is wondering why I'm even talking about it. On one hand, it's what's on my mind and nothing else really happened today to warrant blogging. On the other hand, I don't want to let my word vomit stew on the Internet and come back to bite me in the butt in one way or another.

I wish I could tell the Blue in me to take a breather. I know it's unfair to do this, but I look at other people and see how they take their difficulties in strife. Growing up in my family, even, there were Blues and there were not-very-much-Blues. Plus I feel like I'm dealing with centuries-old gender profiling where it's not considered proper for a male to outwardly express sadness. Anger - sure, happiness - of course, but sadness - nope. So then it becomes a battle of "be sad in front of people and then they see that you're sad" and "be sad by yourself when no one is looking and feel like you can be honest with people".

So yeah, True Colors. Once you really explore the True Colors concept, you can find yourself thinking about when you interact with friends, family, or co-workers. Knowing how to identify colors can help with figuring out strengths or possible pitfalls. Knowing my own results help me further my own self-awareness, even on days like today. As I said before, I hope this entry doesn't come back to bite me in the butt. But as I said in yesterday's entry, I don't want to keep all these thoughts to myself because I know that keeping them bottled up would not bode well for me.

In my mind, a majority of my blog entries seem to start out strong and then just kind of end on a "ehhhh" note. I think I really want to talk about something and by the time I'm 2/3rds through, I've said the main points. I feel like I'm at that point now for tonight, so I should go. I am very thankful for my support network and I hope to look back on this months/years from now and figure out what I've been able to learn from this.

Good night, everyone.