Enough is enough.

(Before I begin, I just want to put it out there that I am simply writing without an internal "script". Hopefully there is some cohesion. However, since it is late, I could very well see this post being short so I can go to bed.)

You've heard the saying "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired", right? Just knowing that you're in a cycle that is only staying the same--it's frustrating! I had a moment like that this morning (since I haven't gone to bed yet, I'm thinking about Saturday morning).

I was looking at a friend's tumblr page and then there were a few seconds where all I did was think. I looked around my apartment.

"Cluttered desk. Messy living room. Papers scattered about."

I turned to the kitchen.

"Dirty dishes. More papers on the table."

I turned some more to my bedroom and bathroom.

"Have to do laundry. Piles of stuff everywhere."

Then, something happened. I didn't give in and wallow. It almost felt like something in me sparked, but it also felt like something that had been gnawing away for a while.

"You know what? No.

No no no. This isn't working. This isn't right.

I can't stand it anymore. Something has to happen. Something has to change.

I can't live like this anymore just drifting from day to day."






Now, if I was writing this this morning, the above piece would have been more livid and probably included some cussing. I've been mulling it over throughout the day, but the sentiment is still there: I am not doing all that I can for myself. I've been humorously linking this spark to Samuel L Jackson's "Enough is enough" moment from Snakes on a Plane, but I also just thought of the line from Wall-E: "I don't want to survive. I want to live!"

I feel like it is a good time to say that I don't think that my life is in shambles. I don't hate my job - it's actually going quite well in many facets. I don't feel devoid of friendship and kindness - I receive both from near and far. I don't hate myself - I just feel like when I'm left to my own devices, my life is... pleh.

Okay, so why the change? What set this in motion? I think part of it had to do with reading my friend's tumblr page. As I read old posts, I read her stories about perseverance and the art she posts shows that wonderful things can come out of gladness and suffering. I also think that part of it is that I was starting to change things without conscious thought. Three instances immediately come to mind:

1. A month ago, I started a new blog project. I wanted to have a creative facet so I plan to post three times a month on any topic I choose. My posts come in the style of 5-item lists, so it gets me thinking past "oh, this is a humorous thing to say about the world or single story to share about my life".

2. On Wednesday, I bought a new car. To be honest, I wasn't even planning on buying - I just wanted to start the shopping process. It's a 2009 Mercury Milan where it feels like everything works, which is about five improvements from the 2001 Ford Taurus that was totaled by a hail storm last summer, had 196,000+ miles, and a dead A/C unit.

3. This week, a student asked to borrow a CD player for an SAT subject test he had today. On Friday, I walked to his room, handed him a CD player and said "Here, this is a second CD player I had in my apartment. You'll have to test it before Saturday because I haven't used it in years. Keep it." All of it was the truth.

These three events come to mind because they each signified a change as well as a flaw (for lack of a better word). The blog was partly created for me to have a creative outlet as well as a way to share stories about my life. The flaw was that I hadn't been doing that for almost 11 months (via blog, at least). Getting a new car was my way of saying "you know what, I'm done dealing with my old car with all the problems and the fear of it crapping out on a highway somewhere. it's an expense, but it's for the best". The flaw was that I also have a 6+-year-old personal computer that is the same way, while I've been using my school/work laptop for work and play. Giving the student my CD player was me giving something up, even though it was still useful. I've internalized packrat-ness from my parents, so simply saying "here, take this and keep it" without a second thought feels like a step in the right direction. However, you can guess the flaw. Piles of stuff. My apartment feels like a mess. I would not say that I am a slob (since things are clean and the piles I refer to are 75% books and papers), but d*** it, I have a lot of s***.

Like I said, I think that's where the spark came from. Some part of me saw that I had done these three things and thought "Great. Do more. Don't be satisfied with where things are at."

You may be wondering why I would post all of this. Part of me can't answer that. Part of me wants to chronicle this moment because it's something to blog about (before this, I was thinking about blogging about how my recent posts just seem to be lifeless status reports, but this one definitely bucks the trend). Part of me wants to capture the spark, because I recognize that I'm human. There will be days when I want to just say "you win, stack of papers" or "I'll never learn to cook. I'll just eat pb&j forever". Those days, I hope I remember this post so that I can look back and think "I need to keep going. It's not about doing it for someone else - it's about doing it for me." That, and also so I can imagine Samuel L Jackson saying "Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherf***ing papers all over the motherf***ing apartment!"